Learning to Lose

Tuesday, January 31, 2012
"Tonight I sleep alone...bt somehow u feel so near,
I can still hear your heartbeat,
I can feel your presence in this empty room,
Dreaming of your smile, your laughter, trying to feel your warmth....
but that day .... u felt so cold... so lifeless.....
I lost you....
He had better plans for you then we had for ourselves......
So.... tonight I sleep alone....in this empty room...
hoping that one day.... I will be where you are where we can meet again...."

Dealing with lost is the most incapacitating feeling I believe anyone can ever feel...
Because you know how u you can never get it back... and that it is lost forever
Humans are made in a such a way that we can't live alone...
That we must have a reason to live.....and when that reason is lost....
We find other means to motivate ourselves to live.....

Many of us have dealt with lost...
How we went through the 5 stages of grief...and moved on...
and some are still lingering a little while longer in any one of those stages.. still holding on to the memories of the past....

Its not easy... believe me... its really not easy....

If your ask me what's my greatest fear....

I would say "learning to lose the ones I love"

It hurts more knowing that you will never find the answer to why they went away... why it was them not you....and how you will never see them again...

WE DENY THE experience...
we tell ourselves that its not happening....
that everything is just going to sail away and it will all be normal again
and that he/she will come back...

AND WHEN reality slowly seeps in...
we retaliate and fight back.... Become angry at others... angry at them for leaving... or for hurting us...
Most importantly angry at ourselves to the thought that "we believed that we could have changed things" so that the past still remains the present....

SO we Cry... WE let down our guard and BEG for them to come back.... BEG for things to be normal again....

Every night ... Crying ourselves to sleep.... waking up to Broken HEART... Physically there but somehow your soul has died.... we don't eat, we don't sleep, we don't do the things we like anymore.....
mentally DEPRESSED... emotionally DRAINED
some can be suicidal.....

But then we wake up one day.... to a feeling that.... somehow... "its going to be okay"... and that I lost what I love the most.... but his/her memories will still remain in my heart.....
and that he/she would want me to be happy again... to do the things I love... to live life to the fullest till the  day where we will meet again....
We become contempt with what has happened.... and ACCEPT that God has a greater plan than WE have for ourselves....


The 5 stages of grief.....

DOnt be afraid to reach out for help.... your not the only one, there are many others who are going through the same experience....
Find strength in God by seeking refuge and salvation from HIM....

I always believe that God has greater plans then we have you ourselves....





lover hurts... to be continued

Wednesday, May 19, 2010
"Something About Us"

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

by Daftpunk

Ironically people still believe that they love someone.... n yet they know it will never work out....

Love Hurts.....

Friday, April 30, 2010
What do I know bout love...?
At times, it feels as if I dont know a thing.... but many do know that Ive been in love with another creature of God... Once upon a time ago....
I was young then, still blur, still innocent but yet it lasted for many years...so many might think its all puppy love.... nothing real, but to tell u the truth it did mean something....at least to me

U see in life... especially when we are feeling at the lowest point of life we go looking for unattainable love... we search for our meaning and our purpose on this earth
some of us are very lucky that we manage to find what we were looking for.... which was TRUE LOVE


Some of us... end up along the wrong path of life which ultimately causes even more pain
Some of us...we just forgot how to love....
Some of us...end up loving a lie
Some of us might have found the ONE but the obstacles faced was too hard or too extreme for us to handle so we let that ONE relationship go....
SOme of us just fell in Love with the wrong person n eventually got our hearts battered with stone n just gave up on love all together.....

some of us....are still searching...

Some of us are just scared to fall in love... n let ourselves be loved....



But no matter what or which category we fall in to... that One solemn word will always en captivate our emotions regardless of who we are.... My quote from a famous author... "love knows no boundary"... n it is love that transcends all racial and religious background....

So it is not a mystery why "people do stupid things when they are in love.."


Well to me... Love is beautiful... it brings 2 souls together with their vows of a life promising to share, to hold, in sickness n in health, for better or for worse, for rich or for poor and so on and so forth...

BUT LOVE HURTS....
it hurts the very being of ure core and it can tear u apart within seconds...

and it only hurts most when ure alone thinking bout the cause and effect of ure situation....


I know many of us have had a Heartbreak... at least once in ure life... it wasnt easy was it??!!
well it wasnt easy for me either... I never knew how bad it could hurt and how it still effects me (Im very proud to say less compared to before) NOW...even after all this time....

And when u start reading this post... "ure probably thinking...yep im just gonna end up telling u the drama of how love sux... how i swear ill never LOVE again...!"

I could do that... I could continue writing the most obnoxious sentence telling the world how much I cant even comprehend how I hate the word LoVE~!


BUT I WONT...
BECAUSE THAT OLD ME IS NOT THE NEW ME...


I WANT TO SHARE WITH U WHAT I FEEL TO ME... PERSONALLY >> WHAT TRUE LOVE IS ALL ABOUT..???

1st - Love the relationship God has given between u and HIM(THE CREATOR OF THE HEAVENS N THE EARTH)... If u can not love HIM to ure upmost ability than u can never truly love.... In fact Loving HIM is far beautiful than loving ANY LIVING CREATURE ON THIS PLANET... because U know for a fact that HE will NEVER LEAVE....

He is always there to Guide u through rainy days and cloudy mornings....

He is always there when U think Ure alone...

He is there to Mend ure heart even when uve come to a point where u think its unfixable...

He is ALWAYS there... He is what TRUE love is.... and there is NO "Being" on this earth that can love u the way He does....


SO when u think of loosing hope, when u think ure hurt so bad u can never get up, when u think that it is the end of the road for you.... Think Again... because its not....

He takes away what is bad for u and replace it with something Good...

He gives u a moment of grief because He misses ure praying voice....

For each Tear u cry to or for HIM... He will gladly take them away and replace it with a peaceful heart....

So yearn for His Love and He will grant you the best in both worlds.... U just have to be strong to go through life's roller coaster ride...


2nd... Loving Yourself....

So basically... we always say... LOVE URESELF~!! but do we really do it...??? when we talk bout loving ourselves... what do we mean...?

Sometimes... we just forgot how to love ourselves... in the long run, we will continuously hurt ourself in return....

I guess from experience....loving ureself is the most hardest thing to do.... (I believe most of us can agree on this level..)

But its not impossible.... Love ureself means respect ureself... respect every single inch of that body of yours and dont let people tell u that u are not worth it....



u are your own worse critic~!....


I am to myself actually... to tell u the truth I never really believed that I was beautiful.... I always felt like a giant mongrel with crazy hair... the self pitty I put myself in by telling myself "Im not pretty" made it worse when my self-esteem level was at its lowest...

from being able to mingle with the outside world... I bounded myself to the four brick walls of my room... which was very unhealthy....it led me to have Depression a MAJOR ONE(yet not everybody knew bout this)... I contemplated on not living.... I wasnt suicidal I just gave up on the beautiful things in life.... I forgot how to take care of myself.... I struggled to maintain class schedule, so I was apparently absent most of the time from classes or lectures... which ultimately led me to fail one of my posting during my 4th year....

SO, as u can see... I lost a lot... just because I didnt have the guts to tell myself

IM WORTH IT~!
IM BEAUTIFUL~!
I DESERVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE~!

If I took time to love myself enough, I woudnt have been in that predicament... I woudnt have fallen so low that I felt so trapped in my own dark world....

And the only way I got out... without going crazy was through the Verbatim WORDS of God (reciting the Quran, learning the meaning behind The melodic sentence of each Quranic Verses gave me unimaginable strength and an Insane spirit boosting me out from my toxic world)....

yet again... The Love of God.... He created a world where by U mattered~! so it is NOT OKAY for You to Not Love ure self~!!!!!!... AGAIN.... love ureself....

3rd - Loving those who are IMPORTANT in your life.....N....learning to love another.....

family is the second most important people in ure life after ureself....
To me family does not just mean... a mother, a father... sister, brother... aunts or uncles....u dont have to be blood related to be family...

Family are the ones who lifts u up when ure down, who cradles u from birth till Now... who accepts u through all the good and the bad, who embodies u with love and care no matter where u are or what u do in life... they look at for what u are and loves u for who u are....

My family includes my mother who is my rock..... my dad who is my hero... my sister who shows me what inner beauty is all about.... my brother who is my teacher in life....my adorable cat who is my comfort... and my beautiful girlfriends who are my sisters, each on very much important in my life...

By having them... I know better how a hearts can propel itself to sincerely love without expecting anything in return.... Now thats true love~!

This last chapter of my post took me 3 days... not that i had no idea on what to write...

I just didnt know whether I could come to terms to actually writing what Im about to write....

Learning to Love another....

2 be continued....

My silver lining....

Thursday, April 8, 2010
Have u ever asked ureself... WHat is it that makes us propel ourselves to be better in this life?

Is it the lucrative amount of cash...?
Is it the most fancy house located on the most expensive roadside...?
Is it that dream car uve been oozzing ure eyes out for.....?
Is it that "hot" girl uve been dying to date....?
Is it that scroll that holds ure future in ure hands...?

DO all these lucrative worldly things move u to work harder and better.... ?

Some of us, were born rich.... and we were put high the ranks of society... so money has never been an issue.... but I bet there is still that expectation for u to perform better in so many ways... creating a bruised ego if u cant reach that high...

Some of us were born poor.... but pushed our way to the top because we knew we wanted to change..... but what was the initially booster that pushed us to change...?... again, is it the status and the money with the fancy things in life...?

honestly speaking...

yes... fancy cars, money that can buy all ure hearts desires, villas and mansions, the most beautiful girlfriend or wife.... all of them are very tempting.... especially when it comes to worldly ordeals..... but once u have all these in ure hands...

will it ever be enough >?
will it ever make u happy>?

To me... my concept of happiness, has changed.... and inevitably so has I....

Not many can accept change.... and not many can look at it as a good thing....
so its not easy to change when u are surrounded by people who are unwilling to let go of ure past...

but lets not go into that...

my main concern is happiness....

I feel happy, when I am at peace with myself n my heart....
I am happy when I finally realised my ultimate purpose in life.... n thats one thing people search their entire life for and for God to lead me back on track... Im Ever So Grateful.....

Ive never felt so much calmness in my heart before than Ive ever felt in my life....

Inside I know that for each given day... my sole purpose in life is to Serve Him to the best of my ability... and by doing sincere acts to solely please Him......n NO ONE ELSE.....

Knowing everyday that No other are as important as Him... and knowing that No one can really push u like He does....

I used to search for answers, I used to be so confused bout my own religion, and I kept asking Him ...."God, show me the Way..."

and even when i thought of how insignificant I was.... There He was,.... with me every step of the way.....

I guess if u were to ask me... why I changed? I woudnt have a specific answer.....it just felt right...n I needed to feel right again.... By understanding my purpose in life.... I understood why I needed to change.... n Ive never turned back...

But why Ive made it this far.... that I have an answer for.....

Simple.... God's Grace n Mercy.....

So for every dark cloud in ure life.... take a breather n look around u.... take a moment to ask ureself this question...? with all that I have in life...? Is it enough to make me happy....? once uve correctly answered that pivotal question.....

uve ultimately found ure silver lining.......

In the Name of Allah The Most Merciful and The Most Beneficient

Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My dear Lord, The One who CARES with such Mercy, No man can love me the way U do...
U are The One who lends me a hand and pulls me back so that I can walk again....
U are my pillar of strength, my light in the midst of darkness...
And there is Nothing in this world that can take away my pain without Ure permission....

U saw me through the toughest and roughest time of my life....
U cut the rope that was invisibly strangling me, suffocating me.....
U gave me hope when Ive lost many....
U gave me peace when Im in need of tranquility....

How do I not move without U?
How do I not live without U?
How do I not care without U?

Forgive me my Dear Lord for ever doubting U....
Forgive me for the pain that Ive caused to myself n the ones I love....
Forgive me for being weak... at times U needed me to be strong....


I am nothing without U,
I am nothing without U,
I am NOTHING without U.....

Thank u my Dear Lord.. for always believing in me, for guiding me, for loving me effortlessly....

It is U who makes me the person I am today....

And the Person I am today means more to me now than ever before.....

And to U I pray and submit down on my knees.....The Almighty God, And I ask for nothing other than Ure love, Guidance and Mercy upon me and the ones who believe In ure love....

And I can ask nothing more other than Ure Faith in me... Knowing that U are happy with the choices I make in this earthly life....

And I know if a good deed has been done, it is not me who should be credited, It is U who guided me to good and spared me darkness..... I want nothing but for U to be happy with me my Dear Lord....

All I seek in this life is to Serve U the best I can, to the best of my abilities....

Ure my world, my heart and my strength....

Please help me through this......

Ameen.

And I will fight this fight for U,
I will always want to be the best for U,

Money does not make a man happy...

Monday, February 1, 2010
At certain days in my life, I feel lost and lonely
And certain days in life, I feel full and surprisingly happy.... it has been 1 month and 14 days since the last time i went home, and as the pressure for pro gets even more nearer, i get so homesick most days than ive ever felt before...

I would sit here and think bout the things that ive been through in life, and the things that ive done that i havent been proud of
but no matter how bad, or how disappointing ive treated myself, my dear folks... they have always been there by my side to pull me out of that depressional state i had to go through and accepted me as i am.... good or bad

people picture me as a girl who lives a luxurious lifestyle, but they paint a very wrong portrait of me but i dont blame them....

I wouldnt say Im poor, and ive always thanked God for giving me the adequacy of money and stuff that most people coudnt afford, but nevertheless, its not me.... Money and Power, its not what intrigues me in this life....maybe to some but not to me...

I dont come from that kind of family.... I dont live in a bungalow, I dont have chauffeurs to drive me where i want to go, I dont have credit cards, and i definitely do not own any empire under my name....

But the thing is, Ive seen people who lives with overflowing money in their hands, but they never looked happy, they never looked content, and they always have that unspoken sadness whenever they talk bout life....

WHY? why would u be sad, when u can have anything u want just by the swipe of that golden card....

U see, both my parents are from different worlds....

My dad was a boy from the "kampung" and my mum was the girl from the city....

My dad was the 2nd child and my mum was the youngest out of 9 siblings

My mum was well to do compared to my dad when he was younger... but even with that vast difference of lifestyle, God made them as life partners... and thats where I come in....

In life, my parents tried their level best to give me what I wanted and till today they have never said NO or objected, and I know how sad it is for them to one day let me go....

But the one thing that no money can buy that they have given me, is a chance to make my own mistakes, a chance to learn from it, and to always have faith in God

My dad told me that I could do or be anything that I wanted to if i put my heart to it and if i prayed hard enough for it....

and my dad is a strong example of how sheer determination can help a man succeed in life....

My dad had to work when he was still a little boy to help with the household income,
He had to read and study while using the oil lamp because my grandmothers house had no electricity,
My dad had to cycle more than 3km to school because there were no school buses,
but he made it through all that and now he is a leading professor and I look up to him very much, even if he has his own flaws.... I am my father's daughter.....
And I see alot of me in him....

My dad has told me that I need to have a good education so that I can become someone who can help the community.....and help be the change in this world

Both my parents are very much in-tune with humanitarian work and they have always told me that to give is better than to receive.... and that is one more thing money can never buy....

I guess thats the main reason why I took medicine...
To give a helping hand to someone who is willing to reach out....

Thats always been my aim.....

So there are many things in life, that I woundnt trade for money,

A good education, A chance to experience life, A chance to be someone with good attributes, A chance to love, A chance to be with my family, A chance to be with my closes friends, A chance to kneel down n prostrate myself to God, A chance to be a good person,

n A chance to be the voice of those who are in need....

having that chance and that experience pays more than any bank account or any cheaque

So when I dont have enough money to buy what I want, Ill thing of the things i have and those who are more unfortunate than me..... And we should all practice this and quietly say "Alhamdulillah" and u will suddenly feel a gush of understanding and a sense of calm and an understanding that in life, we might not always get what we want, but we always will get what we need, because the ones that we want might not always be what we need....

and that dont ever make MONEY the reason u live in life... as it will all fade away....

God knows better for His servants....

This post is dedicated to u shaleen, my dearest friend

Tuesday, January 19, 2010
There is nothing much I can do,
There is barely nothing much I can say,
And nothing that I do or say will change the fact that u have lost someone very dear to ure heart,
Death is inevitable,
something all of us will face within due time,
It is the last thing we want to think about,
Its the last thing we want to wish for... especially for our loved ones....

I cant imagine losing u as a friend, so there is no doubt about how i feel bout losing my family to this dirt grey earth...

There are a few of us on this earth that can bury their loved ones with such strength and poise...
and u dear, ure one of them....
God has given u so much strength that I wish I could hold, even for an ounce....

Honestly dear, I deal with lost and death very badly.... and to top it off I'll be dealing with more of this when i start working... and I ask God everyday..."If I could have even a little of ure strength to help me through this life"

Ill always wish u well, I wish u happiness in this life and the next, I wish u a beautiful family of ure own with a guy that makes u happy and I always want good things for u....

I might not feel the heaviness of ure heart right now, but I weep for u and ure lost....as if he was my own....

And uve always told me... "aku kan daddy's girl"
And Ive always known a daddy's girl is always the tough one in the family....

I wish i could be there with u, I wish I could be there more earlier, but God has made His plans in such a way....

Im sitting infront of my desk, on it is a the frame with our picture in it, the one that u gave to me before u left.... 4 years was alot of drama... but good drama's, and i miss every second of it :-)

So when i have a sucky day, or when the doctors tell me Im not good enough... instead of breaking down, I think bout people that inspires me to be where I am today, and U might not know this but u are one of those people....
One of those people, who are able to smile even when u know things will never be the same again... to walk an extra step even when ure heart carries a heavy burden....

so dear,

do not fret,
do not fear,
dont be sad...

God listens to our prayers.... and for each of your prayers, 10 more people are praying for u and with God's grace I am one of those 10....

Ure dearest friend,
Dama.