my not so great experience which i was too excited to begin with

Monday, December 14, 2009
I just got back from a one day intership at a private clinic in Kota Bahru and boy do i have a story to tell....

one hour before arrival

I was sitting drinking coffee and checking my to do list plus doing a few breathing excercises...( my own morning ritual just to get me into the vibe of a new day) I couldnt help wonder what i might actually learn from the whole private GP scene... I kinda prayed the night before, hoping that i might learn something at least if im lucky, i get to do a minor procedure... while i was stupidly excited to go, I "googled earth" the location of the clinic... (my dad's GPS would have been a great help)
so, i drove down to the clinic, recalling the names of each road... Boy, Kelantan has weird road names..... till I found a place called "paya bemban" i cant disclose the clinic's name but what i can say, I wasnt satisfied with what im suppose to fullfill there..

Upon arrival

well the front desk was giving me the "owh great~! we have patients look, or Owh great~! ppl are starting to come look"... owh great~! the first thing im suppose to look at was her not so happy half hearted smile... like HELLO LADY, all u bloody do is sit down at the counter and take patients IC number~! what is bloody hard bout that... at least SMILE~! well thank God she spoke better than her facial reaction... and thank God i was stil in the "i cant wait to learn~!" mood...

so basically patients were quieing up to see the doctor who arrived one hour after the clinic opened.... talk bout late...

anyway we entered and introuduced ourselves...

In the GP's room

the first thing she said to us (the locum doc incharge) was... " im just doing my locum here, maybe u all should come when the real doctor who is incharge is here"...."us(me and farha while looking at each other)...puzzled?".... so i just blantly said to the doctor, this is our final week in family medicine so basically we have to be here according to the time table that was provided....

so thats one thing settled.....

to tell u the truth.... between a private GP and the district clinic that ive attended.... i would give a full 10 fingers high five in the sky to the district clinic

8 things u should know when going to a private GP

1. QUALIFICATION OF THE DOCTOR URE SEEING ( dont just see any tom, dick an harry doctor, some of them honestly, are just in there for the money, they care whether ure truly sick or not, yes they might be nicer in terms of the way they dress and greet patients but their overall nature is not something that makes me look up to docotors)

2. THE WAY THEY SMILE
u can learn many things from the way a person smiles...
a person who smiles generously is someone who wants u to really heal, someonw who thinks bout ure health and put u first than him/herself... and yes most doctors nowdays forgets to smile... and for a GP, smile is everything.... so look for a doctor with a good honest smile....

3. THE MEDICATION
i asked the doctor, what kind of medication does the private clinic practise, and definitely its way different, some of them prescribe unecessary medication to patients, and some even miss acute abdominal symptoms by prescribing antibiotics... WHAT? like seriously... bloody hell where the HECK did u graduated from....~! everyone know teen, complaining of right iliac abdominal pain and most importantly it came SUDDENLY.....u got think of appendicitis~! what do they do... they prescribed antibiotics~!

4.ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION FROM ANOTHER CLINIC OR BEST GO TO THE HOSPITAL STRAIGHT
u should always consult for second opinion, doctors are humans, we try to reduce the error rate in diagnostic medicine, but we do make few faults here and there.... u as a patient shoul always know that u have every right to ask for another opnion from another doctor.... and doctors u hv no right to force anything on a patient, always give them options n for each option give them the pros and cons so they can weigh for themselves the best possible option to choose....
but i dont see that happening in private...

5. MAKE SURE THE FRONT DESK HAS A PLEASANT ATTITUDE.... IF NO, THAN COMPLAINT
come on u are the first face the patient's sees... ure like the face of the clinic before they go n see the doctor... at least be polite n greet the patient... plus ure private... u dont get 100 patients, n if u do, u bloody hell get paid more than a clerk just by sitting there and taking their ic....
a simple smile... isnt so hard...

6. FEEDBACK FROM OTHER PATIENTS
i know this is bit difficult to do, but generally feedbacks are important especially if ure attending a private clinic.... get to know a little bit bout the role of doctors in private clinic... understand what u want and what u need from the doctor,
sometimes a patient just wants to talk, or they just want to rest after one full blown week of work.... so basically tell ure doctors the truth, we wont judge, we are not allowed to.. :-)

7.ANTENATAL SERVICES
to tell u honestly, i never knew private clinics offered antenatal services... bt they do, if u are pregnant and would love 1st class treatment that is not of the hospital, than private clinic would be a good option, HOWEVER.... be cautious, like for instance

private GP vs local clinic

antenatally each pregnant mother will be given a red book during their first visit
so in district each pregnant mother is given warning signs to look out for high blood pressure in pregnancy
and in private they just check ure blood pressure without even asking for any of that tell tale signs.... CAN U IMAGINE THAT?~!!!!

ure paying money for practically nothing....

8.IMMUNIZATION SERVICES
the private clinic i went to cant even remember the last time they jabbed that poor child, i mean u dont see that many patients compared to district hospital and yet u cant keep tract of the last hep B given to that baby.... WHAT THE HECK MAN~! and this patient's parents were driving a jaguar... i mean they must have been paying ALOT for the care of their child, if i was them i would have been dissapointed

WHAETEVER U DECIDE, BARE IN MIND THAT ITS URE HEALTH ON THE LINE, AND ALWAYS KNOW THAT U HAVE OPTIONS, U ALWAYS HAVE OPTIONS....

PRIVATE VS LOCAL..... LOCAL, THE ATTITUDE OF SOME DOCTORS SUX BUT SOMETIMES U GET A FULL WORKOUT
PRIVATE, ATTITUDE FIRST CLASS MOST, BUT NOT ALWAYS THE BEST....

so, everything in life, has its pros n cons....

at the end of the day, the doctor just keeps on asking us to leave, n ure next step is leave, because why would u want to spend time at a place where ure not wanted....

a moment of silence

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed... just with a blink of an eye....
u know how sometimes u just sit and ponder, what if things were done differently, would it have changed the out come..? would it have stopped me from being where i am today, suffering silently but having to fake that smile effortlessly as if everything is fine....

I forgot how to live,
I forgot how to love,
I forgot how to breath...and at times I live to just want to stop breathing....

HOw can u tell ppl what happened when they have no idea what ure goin through,
HOw can u tell ppl what happene when they themselves have so much to deal with...

so what options do u have?

sometimes i sit and think of things that i know happened for a reason N SOMEHOW HAD NO CONTROL OVER....

which makes it unhealthy because u cant change what has been pre-ordainte for u, God has wrote it in ure book that u will have to face what He has decree for u... n that everything happens for a reason, u just have to accept it an keep on believing in Him....

Believe me, I want to do that so much, I want to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, n that im going to be okay.... but sometimes I feel like it isnt, n that im too messed up inside to be fine as a whole....

one incident after another.... one heartache after another.... one broken promise after the other... one step behind after the other....

I want to stop walking backwards n start walking forward but my heart aches in pain so much that it kills me every step i make to the front.... and just when i get to the next pavement infront, its like an invisible string pulls me back to the same point i was in a few weeks ago....

i looked at my old pictures, i was smiling, i was happy, nothing could have pulled me down, nothing... i had the whole world in the palm of my hands, n i sat down on my study table thinking...."when was the last time i was truly happy?" n the answer to that questions was a stone broken by days.... I coudnt remember at all... i couldnt remember the last time i was truly happy... but i knew that i was once a happy person.... someone who could do anything she wanted.... n I dont even remember "her" anymore.... because the someone i know now is no where close to being "her"

I made a mistake... I helped the wrong person n now I have to live with that for the rest of my life

I nearly died when that bus toppled over,
I wasted my capabilities when I lost my heart to someone who dosent even know how much he hurts me until now,
I caved in when the motorcyclist body sprawled underneath my car,
I did everything wrong and I cant keep doin anything right...

i ask myself this.....

Was i worth it? was i worth it to be created? i cause so much suffering to others and thats the reason why i am suffering now...

I cant bare hurting another soul... I just cant....

and for the loved ones lost, i miss u dearly, and i know ure in a better place, an that ure with God, my prayers will always be with u.... and there is not one day that i dont think about u and the words u told me....and i hope u are proud of me and the women that ive become, because i cant come to terms of who n what i am now.... but i really hope ure proud....

i need to heal n i dont know how.... thats all im asking for.... this is so that i can help heal others with God's help......

A drop of rain can go a long way....

Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Rain... Many rainy days leads to, well..... Flooding....

Flooding.... accumulated overflowing river drains the roads and surfaces of the houses here in the east coast....

Call me "Jakun"- (its a malay verb for stupidly amazed at something people find normal), but seeing people walking in and out of the "who knows what has been there" water freaks me out a little bit, but in a good way.... I find it fascinating that even when their houses are filled with the over flowing river, they are calm and interestingly able to find a positive outlook through it all.... by swimming around their man made swimming pool and using old tires as floats...

I guess what Im trying to stress out is actually being positive and optimistic in everday life even when you hit rock bottom....

so, a valuable lesson learnt today..... who said being caught in the rain is bad... infact its a gift from God to help us wash away our anguish on this earth.....

life n death

Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Its 3.50am and here I am sitting infront of my study table thinking about life and death....

Life

We go through a rigorous routine everyday to sustain what we call "LIFE", waking up at 6am (I try too but fail miserably sometimes), get ready for another day in the hospital and trying to survive medical school in one piece and by 5pm (if there is no ONcall) my day continues itself on the way to either the bed to take a long nap or the aerobics class to get rid of the extra fat.... and by the time ure ready to return to slumber land u ask ureself...."what have I done today that has made my life significant to others?".... and most of the time my answer would be NOTHING....and same goes for today.... NOTHING....

before I talk in general, there are a few things i would like to share...

Life for me has never been a long straight road, it has always been winding and curvy with many junctions and traffic lights.... but I bet Im not alone on this....
The one thing I hate about myself is... after long late night prayers to God so that ill be accepted to a good medical school, here I am... again complaining how I hate to be here, when "HERE" is what I wanted to do since I could barely walk.... And somehow, I just got sick of complaining of the many flaws of medical school because I realised today....

Medical school is not designed to cater for ure needs but it trains to u to be tought and confident with ure decisions knwing that "u have given a chance to someone to decide on her fate in this life"... Even though I feel like there are many here who lacks the human side of life~ for instance "compassion" and "sincerity" but I know in my heart that God put me here so that I can share with those who are in need of such things....

The human heart is so strong... it beats everyday, every hour, every minute.... and it never stops beating until God takes it away.... and there has been many instances in my life where Ive met many beautiful people along this winding road that showed me... "hey, Dama~! this is the reason why your doing this, this is ure road, this is ure life...ure meant to do this... God knows best~!"

I was watching this movie after class... "my Sister's keeper" played by cameron Diaz, she plays the mother of a child who is fighting cancer.... its a beautiful movie and I cried all the way....

Why I cried...? the movie reminded me of thie little girl I met during my first day in clinical posting... Her name was Nazihah... she was cute and very much adorable but she was sick.... I spent most of my clinical years with her and her mum and I Had so much hope that she would get better, I hoped and prayed for her... Even though I coudnt treat her.... but just being with her made my day a whole lot better.... and today... she is no longer here.... she is with God now and may she rest in peace....

the story, the movie reminded me of her and how her mother fought so hard for her to keep her alive... and when she relapsed for the very last time, I was there to see how painful it was for her mum to realised that she is going to lose her daughter in this battle.....and I just didnt know what to do... how to help.... all I could do was to tell her to keep on praying for that "miracle"... because I wanted that miracle, I wanted to see her grow to be an adult, to look back at her life and show the world.."hey I beat u cancer~! n look at where I am now~!" I wanted her to experience life.... outside of this place..... but she never got a chance...

And then there was me.... a girl who has all the time in the world to do almost anything she wants to and yet she still complains.... How Ungrateful is she~!....

DEATH

My first encounter with death was when my auntie past away due to cancer, i was in form one... I never understood why she died, but all I knew was that she is gone, and there was no one who would hug me the way she use to.... seeing her on the hospital bed, not being able to talk, to move, seeing her tears stream down because of the pain and everyday seeing her loose weight till a point where i could see her cheekbones so clearly even when she didnt smile and she use to have the most warmest smile ever...i just didnt recognize her anymore.... it just wasnt her.... and when she left this world, I remembered crying to sleep at night because I finally understood the pain of "losing" someone u hold so dear to ure heart.....

It wasnt easy to let her go, but I did, and it hurt.....but I know she is in a better place now and with the Grace of God at the gates of heaven I will soon meet her and those who has left this earth before me.....

I know its not easy to deal with death, especially when they made ure life seem significant.....
and im not good at dealing with lost.... and I would grieve, but I would also choose to fight for better me because of them....

And I have friends who had and still going through many obstacles in their life wherby its their family members who are at the brink of death.... and I pray for their strength because when I look at them, I see how strong they are.... I know deep down, I can do this.... I can make my life significant to others just like what they have done for me...

And where family is concerened, Each and every one of them are so precious to my existence that I dont think I could bear going through this world without them.... they are the reason why I am here still standing tall even with all the turmoils of life over clouding me.... they are the reason for my happiness and my strength, and each night i pray to God for their safety and health...

At the end of it all... I am blessed to have many beautiful people in my life and it is because of them I treasure what I have even if its for short while.... and there will be monstrous people now and then who holds u down from being the best at what u can be but they u have to realise that its not about what they say to u, but its bout how u react towards them....

I guess when u are given a chance to live... live your life to the upmost of your ability, take that road that helps u heal when ure in grieve, be brave to do the things u want to do, have faith that God is always there for u and that behind all dark clouds there is a silver lining.....

Life and death is a process that all of us will be goin through...I cant tell u that everything is going to be okay because it is not me who decides....
but what I can tell u is that... We were put on this earth for a reason, find your purpose in life, make ure life significant to those who matters and when its time to leave....

u know u have left a beautiful mark on those who mattered...

A simple mirror can say so much

Saturday, November 7, 2009
I was looking in the mirror just now and I just keep asking myself,... Who is that girl that stares at me everyday of my life? sometimes I dont even know her anymore... I remembered a time when I use to be so confident with myself, so eager to do things, I had so much drive that nothing could stand in my way....
I look at myself n wonder, was it me that created such a mess that has caused me to turn this way?
I look at the physical side of me... my hair, my features... by right I should thank God for giving me everything in such a complete form, but sometimes I ask myself, what is it that is not enough...
I dont feel pretty, neither am I beautiful...
I know that for sure because of the way people say things about me...
But I just dont get it, why they are allowed to say things like that n get away with it...
I dont understand how they can sleep at night peacefully without a sense in the world that they have just hurt someone's feeling....
I dont want to judge them, but I just feel like its not right for u to say things or comment on other peoples feature regardless how u look like...

u might be the most beautiful among many but when u say all those nasty words.... u dont look beautiful anymore... infact uve become ugly...

yeah sometimes my hair might be messy and out of place,
my skin tone is not fair enought compared to snow right...
i have few pimples breaking out now n then...
i have a gap between my front tooth.... n I just got to know from someone that i have an asymmetrical feature....
and to top it off, my friend (i use to call her my friend) said that im so unlike my sister n that im not as beautiful or as hot as my sister...
and that was a friend... I wonder what the general public might think bout me
Ive had people walk up to me and told me u are skinnny like a "landasan kapal terbang"
Ive had people telling me that I dont look good because of my jaw...
the things people say huh'.....

Is my value and self worth based on what I look like...?
Im not a super model, I dont have the looks or the height...
I might not look like a half arab and a half malay... I dont have their features...
My mum thinks that beauty is not everything... but mummy, u never told me how hard it hurts when they say those things bout me.....

I know I shoudnt listen to them, becuase this face n body is what God has given me, and Im eternally grateful,
but just to put a word out to the world even when half of them will not be listening...
No matter how terrible u think the person looks like, u have no right to judge her based on her looks, if u still do, than ask ureself one thing....

"Who am I to say about a person's physicality when it was God who created such beauty?"

I dont even know myself anymore

Friday, October 9, 2009
At this critical point i dont feel anywhere near great, not even close. I have nothing to be well happy bout, I have practically lost half of my interest in doing anything, I really want to fight back what ever i feel inside but slowly by day it keeps getting more and more obvious...

Im not a quitter, but there are times when u just have to say to ureself "NO"...
and not everything goes the way u planned them.... I had my fare share of failures... and money problems... which includes being unable to repay my parents, because i have used an extensive amount of cash for other things which at this moment i dont even know why I agreed to it...

Im very much pissed off at myself more than anything in this world...
Im just plain useles, I cant even do a darn egg without turning it into ashes...
I hate my self more than I hate Azron...
I hate what I do, I dont find any pleasure in it...
I dont even know why Im doing it in the first place...
Im this close to giving up, to just push everything off that cliff....
Im so close yet Im so afraid to take that leap...

Im not smart, on top of that im BloodY lazy...
I have no desire to fulfill anything anymore...
Im not interested in the picket white fences...
I dont want the green lawn...
U might be thinking "whats wrong with me~!".. believe me i think about this every night... What is my purpose.. why am I here when I can even do a damn egg~!... I cant find anything Im good at... Maybe Im just good at screwing up... I think Im good at that...

I dont even recognise myself anymore...
This is not me... I dont do this... I dont give up... but every part of me seems to be falling to pieces... im breaking down... and I dont think anyone can save me....

Celebrating raya with love

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Raya holidays are over and im currently back in kelantan... the place where a part of my brain still has difficulty in accepting. Honestly raya this year was not bad... met up with many family members and hang out with my friends laughing and reminiscing the good old days of high school. I had a weird case scenario with my above average amount of "duit raya" this year.... haha, but as usual being an obssessed shoperholic ... i spent it all~! n now i feel super guilty~!
And like always I never dare tell my mum about it... owh to top the icing on the cake... Ron came to see me on the morning of raya, to tell me that he still have feelings for me... honestly, that boy(i will never call him a man until he learns to grow up~!) will forever hurt me... after his proud declaration of love and affection towards me... he managed to pull the same old stunt that caused the 7 year relationship to break apart... yes u guessed it... HE LIED... AGAIN~! and he does the most cliche thing... RUN AWAY.... damn what was i thinking trying to be his friend... I should have just dropped everything when it fell apart a year ago....
to tell u the truth... after all the torment and heartache... I dont feel anything anymore.... Im not even hurt... Im just more stunned and disappointed in him.... I guess some ppl just never change...

love... what do I understand from this apocalyptic word that man don on for over centuries... I stress on the word
apocalyptic
... wanna know why...? it causes destruction when u give too much and when u dont give at all... the difference between both is the party that is involved
Too much love can turn into an obsession
too little can lead to selfishness...
and obviously none is good for the heart~!
and the mind and soul~!

so the moral of the story is... dont be an extremist when it comes to the heart... love somthing or someone in a moderate flow.... u avoid ureself from an early chance of getting coronary heart disease... reason... well, when ure heart is broken u tend to indulge in food that well soothes the soul and most can lead to tempermental damage to the blood vessels... especially to the vessels that lingers around the heart... if that blood vessel is damaged the blood to the heart gets cut off...soon, u will start having gross damages of the heart~!

so... love with moderation, lesson learn't from a 7 year relationship... dont love someone too much, u'll end up getting hurt... and dont be to self centered in a relationship, ull end up hurting someone... most probably ure other half...

ron if ure reading this... like ever... just to let u know... im dreaming of the day that i can strike u with a baseball bat....~! and slap u silly until u dont know what hit u~!.... u know what... at this moment im probably ure worst nightmare....~! Ive been too nice to u....too bloody nice~!

btw here are some raya pics i managed to download in this post










Is a bloody text too difficult ???!!!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I just want to fucking scream, dont talk to me about using vulgar words, I know its the holy month of Ramadhan and Im supposed to withstand my mouth from using foul language but what the heck, at this point i just coudnt give a shit. Btw FYI ure not supposed to use foul language EVER, not just in the month of Ramadhan. Well, I get it ive sinned, God must hate me.... thats what u think~! but U dont even hae a clue on what HE is thinking bout me at this particular moment....The only One who can ever understand me is HIM so He knows why im upset, He knows why I feel so hurt and He knows why at this moment im struggling so hard to keep this anger safe within me so that I dont burst out saying unruly things.

U wanna knw why Im so messed up right now`?!!

Im pissed off with people who dont call, dont even text who cant even utter a slight "hello dama, how are u?" text or if u wanna bloody save ure money than just bloody email....

yeah well im piss off because all I do is sms ppl being considerate asking them how their days are, hope everything is fine and sometimes even telling them how much i miss them because in reality is i do... and i want them to knw that even if i cant call them, at least im trying to keep in touch with them and at least they know that I strongly care about them...

WHo am I kidding, sometimes my father and mother forgets to call me or text me... I have to make a fit before they realise that they actually have a daughter here studying her ass off like crazy, while continously being scrutinized by doctors ...making me feel worst then ive already felt.

my friends. well some call, some dont bother.... some dont text me until they need something important from me...

U know what, I dont care.... I coudnt care less.... once u die u die alone right, u stay in that grave of ures ALONE... so why do i need people... cause I dont...

U know what, is okay, whatever I do, Im doing it out of sincerity, but sometimes when u really need someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone to just listen to ure day.... all u have is a lonely space of this 4 bedroom wall.... and u sit at ure desk wondering, and stupidly staring at the phone hoping that u might get a buzz and when that fails u start to think, where do I fall in your lives? Am i just that other person who u just come to when u need something from me or am I really someone u take for granted... sometimes i do literally question myself..whether anyone remembers me? because from what ive seen, its very easy to forget ppl....especially ppl like me

Maybe I am nothing to you, maybe im not that important to u, but plz bare in mind that I still exist, and i might not show u my contempt and i might not let u see whats really going on in my head but u should know better on how to treat a person u say "u keep close to ure hear", because if i mean anything, anything at all in ure life... than why not take a 5 minute cut from ure life to at least ask sincerly about me.... Im human too, I have feelings...


Sacrifices

Wednesday, September 9, 2009
09.09.09 - triple 9 day
Today, would be a great day for couples to say their vows of eternal love and live "happily ever after", and we would see in the papers the next day photos of wedded couples lining up in their effervesces manner hoping that their wedding picture gets into the newspaper... honestly, I would want to even dream of sharing my wedding day with other couples... its my day... but lets not dig deep in to this feeble matter( its not like im getting married any time soon)

Okay is not about marriages or whatever nonsense people do to get attention on dates like these...

Im talking about Human sacrifice.... What sacrifices we do to help make this world a better place.

Im talking about the sacrifices I make so that a little change can be brought to others even to an expense of my heart...

Im sacrificing my time with my family, with my close friends to be here in this "PLACE" ive been calling home for the past 5 years.... Ure damn right... I miss my family and friends back home... but I guess studying to be a better medical student is way more important than flyin back home... but I wouldnt make such a big deal out of this... I know others are going through alot worst.....

Im sacrificing my relationship prospects with other men... I dont date, I dont got out with guys, I dont even have a mutual relationship with any guy.... call me boring, but hey, i dont even have time for my family let alone for men... plus being a bad relationship now is not good for my inner soul, and to top off the icing on the cake, i get irritated with most of them anyway so I dont know why Im accepting this part of my life as a sacrifice....

Im sacrificing quality "me" time.... I use to paint, I use to lock ,myself in my study room at home and blast off the sterio loudly and spend quality time painting....I loved to see how the colours blend even so, Im not a good painter... I miss those time where I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted....

I look at my past and my present... alot has changed... Im no longer that girl with the messy hair, Im no longer that girl who pretends to be blur, Im no longer that girl who shys away....

The sacrifices Ive made so far, are very minute, sometimes I feel like I shoudnt even call them sacrifices but it is these lilltle sacrifices I made that created the "me" now.

Im terribly home striken right now, I miss mummy and the entire family, I miss fifimanj and I do miss my bed(my very luxious bed) at home....

I always ask myself is this what I really want in life... to be something and ending up with nothing...

my Imperfections

Friday, September 4, 2009
I am not perfect,
I was never close to perfect,
Sometimes, I dont even understand the meaning of perfect...
I know i can never be perfect...
Im just me, simple old me....
I dont have much to offer, but what i have is love and care for those who are willing to give me a chance,
I might not be the appraisal of many, but I do have a heart than beat own its own for those who are willing to stop and hear...
I might not be a good daughter or a good sister, but I have a chance to make a means to an end, and i would die for them....
I might not be a good friend, but I would do my up most best to make them happy...
Again, Im not perfect, I have my own flaws, but everyday, I try my very best to be better, and only God knows how I feel deep down...

not quite there yet

Thursday, September 3, 2009
I just simply hate today, I hate myself for not waking up for radiology class, i hate myself for feeling like i have nothing in this world when I know that God has given me so much, I hate myself for always complaining bout life, but the matter of fact is that i miss home.... i miss getting away from this place called kelantan...
the people, the atmosphere, i dont whats wrong but something is just not right...
maybe i miss my cat too much, maybe im depressed at myself because all i can think about now is home when i have an exam next week, ppl ask me to focus.... im trying my best ~!!!!!
today it was just not working...
I feel like i wanna run away, far away from this place....
I feel like the urge to not meet anyone,
I feel the urge to not want to listen to any voices from the phone... and yes, there were many miss calls
Today I just felt like feeling selfish.... i mean whats so wrong about that
People can be selfish towards me, why cant i for once do the same thing....
I want to talk to my mum about it, but i know she will not understand, and its best if i dont talk to her now, cause im scared that i might yell at her for no reason, n she definitely does not deserve that from me....
i guess i cant really say how much i want to not be like this, believe me if i had a different option than i wouldnt have done this....
but today, is just one of those days where i dont feel alive at all...

Today

Sunday, May 3, 2009
today feels different... there is something about today that I cant quite figure out...
But I believe its a good different...
i woke at 5.30am and straighten my very horrendous room,
and exfoliated my untreated skin around 6am...
started studying abit regarding ultrasound and the sensitivity n specificity of it...
i got ready for ward rounds...
and when I finally reached there... there were no patients under my team...
haha... imagine that.... but what was more intriguing is that the consultant(my lecturer) did not came for ward round~! THIS WAS NEW FOR ME~!
and after the whole clerking of patient and practicing on many pregnant mothers the "art of palpation" of the abdomen.... I came back to my room...

today felt weird but at the same time i feel a sense of serenity,
A sense of calm...
well the skies today looked awfully beautiful...
it rained after many days of heat and scorching sunlight, .... and somehow I feel like This universe is so in-link with one another and that there must be a Higher Power to create such tranquility and beauty in many various forms, sizes and waves.... and for those who dont believe in the existance of GOD- It pains me to see how blinded their eyes can be)... How can I not have faith in Him when all He has ever done is protect me, and loved me even with all my flaws-helping me through what I thought was going to be a hectic day...
there is something peaceful and extraordinary about today....



(The view outside my room, noticed how green everything is)

someone better

Friday, May 1, 2009

Its 3am, n a part of me feels like the moon just fell from the sky, its a feeling of loneliness, anger and jealousy which i dont even know where all these crazy ideas are coming from,

I feel hurt... true
I feel sad.....true
but most of all I feel lonely, and utter loneliness that I cant express to anyone, not even those who im closed with....

I believe that I will always have God, He will always love me even with all my flaws,
n that Even when im writting this post, He is looking down upon me healing my soul from within...
I never believe that someone is beautiful just because of the physicality,
Ive seen gorgeous human beings who have the most darkest hearts,
Ive seen those who mere man would call "normal" but when i see them, they look insanely beautiful with the most humility you can ever find in a person alone....

I might be feeling sad and lonely because Ive been obssessed with looks for the past 6 months, Like everwhere I go... I must look good, And when I do look good I dont feel that way...
call it having lack self confidance, but thats me... at this moment, my self confidance is not a mountain range that I can walk on this earth feeling as if I ruled the world...
Sometimes I wish for that confidance to say what I want to say,
I wish that I have the strength to say "NO"
I wish I had the strength to walk a away from a broken heart....

I dreamt of him again...
I just dont know why, Whenever I think about him, it still hurts....
Apart of me... feels so betrayed, eventhough I miss him deeply,
But I blame him for letting me love him so much to an extend that Im hurting inside,
I got to know that he is happy now... with many girls...
many girls who would do anything for him....
I wanna wish him well.... I really do...
But heck "SCREW U" cause I dont... I dont wish u well.... I hate u for the pain uve caused me...
U made me feel so low,
I lost myself because of u....
and I dont wanna be with anyone because there is still apart of u in me....
n I couldnt do that to someone else....
Im not like u....
I never saw u as someone beutiful but I learnt about respect n kindness, n the ways to be faithful to u... because I saw something good in u....
but u made it clear that u wanted more...
n I wasnt enough....


Im sitting alone in my room, thinking of a chance to create something good,
to be someone better than I used to be,
to seek forgiveness for the bad things that ive done in the past,
I hope that even when no human being can see past me,
to see past my flaws,
to see past this human who obviously dont look like a supermodel,
that even when they dont feel like im beautiful,
God believes that I am.... n He matters most to me...
Becuase If He believes in me, Than I know I can be strong, I can rise up again, I can show myself that Im worth it, and theres a hope in me that I can be someone, someone better....
Someone who can help others, to be better at what they are in life...
Insya-Allah....



(me n pa'a on a wednesday night..haha bored out of our wits~!)


(my last choice)

A Demanding Progress

Monday, April 20, 2009
If u would like to know it has been 25 hours and 40 minutes since my last trip to slumber land... The picture of me collapsing on my red embroiled bed is extremely tantalizing. Im trying strenuously to stay awake before going for ward rounds... duh... if i sleep now... it will be a definitive "YES" that i will never wake up~!... haha well at least not for the next 24 hours.....
Believe me when i tell u that ONG(obs n gynae) posting is a scale of 10 when it comes to a demanding work load....
I honestly feel like a laborer with no pay....

This is my last posting...huh' well im a step away from unergoing another crazy year which involves grueling n excessive late nights of burning the electrical table lamp and black n bold eyebags just to complete ridiculous amount of studying~!

Sometimes i wish that i could go and fly a kite or something rather than being stucked bum down on a chair facing countless of medical books(haha which non of them ive finished reading) and the yellow wall which ive decorated with the postcards i got during the trip to mexico.....

being at home right now would be heaven.... :-( mummy, i really do miss u.....

Iryna sent a message to me when i was at the ward...

"Babe, i dont know how to tell u this but my aunt told me somthing bout ure sis, she said ure sis dah banyak kali tak hadir sekolah n the school wanna take action againts her, it sounds serious, just thought u should know..."

yeah babe... i know, my mum told me about it...
U see, my lil sister syahida, apart from having an enourmous ego(most leo are like that), she has this " I can things lighlt attitude"... n basically, she will be never admit she is wrong when she is clearly at fault.... huh' need i say more about maturity....

I sometimes blame myself for setting a bad example for her during my high school years... yes... i did not attend school that much but hey i turned okay didnt i....
well the only difference between my time and her is that....
"aku ponteng sekolah dengan cara yang bijak"....
she on the other hand.... satu minggu tak gi sekolah langsung~!
i mean... seriously, who wouldnt take action...
i mean im worried for her sake since her spm is just around the corner....
But dont get me wrong,

my sis even though she's hard headed as hell....( i call her triple H...haha) but i have to say... whenever she does not go to school, she stays at home and study on her own, even though it takes her 3 hours to get to the study table~!...

well, once my bloody line has been unbarred il give her a call.... she needs some kind of sisterhood bonding or something....

IM HOMESICK~!!!!!!!!