Celebrating raya with love

Raya holidays are over and im currently back in kelantan... the place where a part of my brain still has difficulty in accepting. Honestly raya this year was not bad... met up with many family members and hang out with my friends laughing and reminiscing the good old days of high school. I had a weird case scenario with my above average amount of "duit raya" this year.... haha, but as usual being an obssessed shoperholic ... i spent it all~! n now i feel super guilty~!
And like always I never dare tell my mum about it... owh to top the icing on the cake... Ron came to see me on the morning of raya, to tell me that he still have feelings for me... honestly, that boy(i will never call him a man until he learns to grow up~!) will forever hurt me... after his proud declaration of love and affection towards me... he managed to pull the same old stunt that caused the 7 year relationship to break apart... yes u guessed it... HE LIED... AGAIN~! and he does the most cliche thing... RUN AWAY.... damn what was i thinking trying to be his friend... I should have just dropped everything when it fell apart a year ago....
to tell u the truth... after all the torment and heartache... I dont feel anything anymore.... Im not even hurt... Im just more stunned and disappointed in him.... I guess some ppl just never change...

love... what do I understand from this apocalyptic word that man don on for over centuries... I stress on the word

apocalyptic

... wanna know why...? it causes destruction when u give too much and when u dont give at all... the difference between both is the party that is involved
Too much love can turn into an obsession
too little can lead to selfishness...
and obviously none is good for the heart~!
and the mind and soul~!

so the moral of the story is... dont be an extremist when it comes to the heart... love somthing or someone in a moderate flow.... u avoid ureself from an early chance of getting coronary heart disease... reason... well, when ure heart is broken u tend to indulge in food that well soothes the soul and most can lead to tempermental damage to the blood vessels... especially to the vessels that lingers around the heart... if that blood vessel is damaged the blood to the heart gets cut off...soon, u will start having gross damages of the heart~!

so... love with moderation, lesson learn't from a 7 year relationship... dont love someone too much, u'll end up getting hurt... and dont be to self centered in a relationship, ull end up hurting someone... most probably ure other half...

ron if ure reading this... like ever... just to let u know... im dreaming of the day that i can strike u with a baseball bat....~! and slap u silly until u dont know what hit u~!.... u know what... at this moment im probably ure worst nightmare....~! Ive been too nice to u....too bloody nice~!

btw here are some raya pics i managed to download in this post

Is a bloody text too difficult ???!!!!

I just want to fucking scream, dont talk to me about using vulgar words, I know its the holy month of Ramadhan and Im supposed to withstand my mouth from using foul language but what the heck, at this point i just coudnt give a shit. Btw FYI ure not supposed to use foul language EVER, not just in the month of Ramadhan. Well, I get it ive sinned, God must hate me.... thats what u think~! but U dont even hae a clue on what HE is thinking bout me at this particular moment....The only One who can ever understand me is HIM so He knows why im upset, He knows why I feel so hurt and He knows why at this moment im struggling so hard to keep this anger safe within me so that I dont burst out saying unruly things.

U wanna knw why Im so messed up right now`?!!

Im pissed off with people who dont call, dont even text who cant even utter a slight "hello dama, how are u?" text or if u wanna bloody save ure money than just bloody email....

yeah well im piss off because all I do is sms ppl being considerate asking them how their days are, hope everything is fine and sometimes even telling them how much i miss them because in reality is i do... and i want them to knw that even if i cant call them, at least im trying to keep in touch with them and at least they know that I strongly care about them...

WHo am I kidding, sometimes my father and mother forgets to call me or text me... I have to make a fit before they realise that they actually have a daughter here studying her ass off like crazy, while continously being scrutinized by doctors ...making me feel worst then ive already felt.

my friends. well some call, some dont bother.... some dont text me until they need something important from me...

U know what, I dont care.... I coudnt care less.... once u die u die alone right, u stay in that grave of ures ALONE... so why do i need people... cause I dont...

U know what, is okay, whatever I do, Im doing it out of sincerity, but sometimes when u really need someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone to just listen to ure day.... all u have is a lonely space of this 4 bedroom wall.... and u sit at ure desk wondering, and stupidly staring at the phone hoping that u might get a buzz and when that fails u start to think, where do I fall in your lives? Am i just that other person who u just come to when u need something from me or am I really someone u take for granted... sometimes i do literally question myself..whether anyone remembers me? because from what ive seen, its very easy to forget ppl....especially ppl like me

Maybe I am nothing to you, maybe im not that important to u, but plz bare in mind that I still exist, and i might not show u my contempt and i might not let u see whats really going on in my head but u should know better on how to treat a person u say "u keep close to ure hear", because if i mean anything, anything at all in ure life... than why not take a 5 minute cut from ure life to at least ask sincerly about me.... Im human too, I have feelings...

Sacrifices

09.09.09 - triple 9 day
Today, would be a great day for couples to say their vows of eternal love and live "happily ever after", and we would see in the papers the next day photos of wedded couples lining up in their effervesces manner hoping that their wedding picture gets into the newspaper... honestly, I would want to even dream of sharing my wedding day with other couples... its my day... but lets not dig deep in to this feeble matter( its not like im getting married any time soon)

Okay is not about marriages or whatever nonsense people do to get attention on dates like these...

Im talking about Human sacrifice.... What sacrifices we do to help make this world a better place.

Im talking about the sacrifices I make so that a little change can be brought to others even to an expense of my heart...

Im sacrificing my time with my family, with my close friends to be here in this "PLACE" ive been calling home for the past 5 years.... Ure damn right... I miss my family and friends back home... but I guess studying to be a better medical student is way more important than flyin back home... but I wouldnt make such a big deal out of this... I know others are going through alot worst.....

Im sacrificing my relationship prospects with other men... I dont date, I dont got out with guys, I dont even have a mutual relationship with any guy.... call me boring, but hey, i dont even have time for my family let alone for men... plus being a bad relationship now is not good for my inner soul, and to top off the icing on the cake, i get irritated with most of them anyway so I dont know why Im accepting this part of my life as a sacrifice....

Im sacrificing quality "me" time.... I use to paint, I use to lock ,myself in my study room at home and blast off the sterio loudly and spend quality time painting....I loved to see how the colours blend even so, Im not a good painter... I miss those time where I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted....

I look at my past and my present... alot has changed... Im no longer that girl with the messy hair, Im no longer that girl who pretends to be blur, Im no longer that girl who shys away....

The sacrifices Ive made so far, are very minute, sometimes I feel like I shoudnt even call them sacrifices but it is these lilltle sacrifices I made that created the "me" now.

Im terribly home striken right now, I miss mummy and the entire family, I miss fifimanj and I do miss my bed(my very luxious bed) at home....

I always ask myself is this what I really want in life... to be something and ending up with nothing...

my Imperfections

I am not perfect,
I was never close to perfect,
Sometimes, I dont even understand the meaning of perfect...
I know i can never be perfect...
Im just me, simple old me....
I dont have much to offer, but what i have is love and care for those who are willing to give me a chance,
I might not be the appraisal of many, but I do have a heart than beat own its own for those who are willing to stop and hear...
I might not be a good daughter or a good sister, but I have a chance to make a means to an end, and i would die for them....
I might not be a good friend, but I would do my up most best to make them happy...
Again, Im not perfect, I have my own flaws, but everyday, I try my very best to be better, and only God knows how I feel deep down...

not quite there yet

I just simply hate today, I hate myself for not waking up for radiology class, i hate myself for feeling like i have nothing in this world when I know that God has given me so much, I hate myself for always complaining bout life, but the matter of fact is that i miss home.... i miss getting away from this place called kelantan...
the people, the atmosphere, i dont whats wrong but something is just not right...
maybe i miss my cat too much, maybe im depressed at myself because all i can think about now is home when i have an exam next week, ppl ask me to focus.... im trying my best ~!!!!!
today it was just not working...
I feel like i wanna run away, far away from this place....
I feel like the urge to not meet anyone,
I feel the urge to not want to listen to any voices from the phone... and yes, there were many miss calls
Today I just felt like feeling selfish.... i mean whats so wrong about that
People can be selfish towards me, why cant i for once do the same thing....
I want to talk to my mum about it, but i know she will not understand, and its best if i dont talk to her now, cause im scared that i might yell at her for no reason, n she definitely does not deserve that from me....
i guess i cant really say how much i want to not be like this, believe me if i had a different option than i wouldnt have done this....
but today, is just one of those days where i dont feel alive at all...