life n death

Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Its 3.50am and here I am sitting infront of my study table thinking about life and death....

Life

We go through a rigorous routine everyday to sustain what we call "LIFE", waking up at 6am (I try too but fail miserably sometimes), get ready for another day in the hospital and trying to survive medical school in one piece and by 5pm (if there is no ONcall) my day continues itself on the way to either the bed to take a long nap or the aerobics class to get rid of the extra fat.... and by the time ure ready to return to slumber land u ask ureself...."what have I done today that has made my life significant to others?".... and most of the time my answer would be NOTHING....and same goes for today.... NOTHING....

before I talk in general, there are a few things i would like to share...

Life for me has never been a long straight road, it has always been winding and curvy with many junctions and traffic lights.... but I bet Im not alone on this....
The one thing I hate about myself is... after long late night prayers to God so that ill be accepted to a good medical school, here I am... again complaining how I hate to be here, when "HERE" is what I wanted to do since I could barely walk.... And somehow, I just got sick of complaining of the many flaws of medical school because I realised today....

Medical school is not designed to cater for ure needs but it trains to u to be tought and confident with ure decisions knwing that "u have given a chance to someone to decide on her fate in this life"... Even though I feel like there are many here who lacks the human side of life~ for instance "compassion" and "sincerity" but I know in my heart that God put me here so that I can share with those who are in need of such things....

The human heart is so strong... it beats everyday, every hour, every minute.... and it never stops beating until God takes it away.... and there has been many instances in my life where Ive met many beautiful people along this winding road that showed me... "hey, Dama~! this is the reason why your doing this, this is ure road, this is ure life...ure meant to do this... God knows best~!"

I was watching this movie after class... "my Sister's keeper" played by cameron Diaz, she plays the mother of a child who is fighting cancer.... its a beautiful movie and I cried all the way....

Why I cried...? the movie reminded me of thie little girl I met during my first day in clinical posting... Her name was Nazihah... she was cute and very much adorable but she was sick.... I spent most of my clinical years with her and her mum and I Had so much hope that she would get better, I hoped and prayed for her... Even though I coudnt treat her.... but just being with her made my day a whole lot better.... and today... she is no longer here.... she is with God now and may she rest in peace....

the story, the movie reminded me of her and how her mother fought so hard for her to keep her alive... and when she relapsed for the very last time, I was there to see how painful it was for her mum to realised that she is going to lose her daughter in this battle.....and I just didnt know what to do... how to help.... all I could do was to tell her to keep on praying for that "miracle"... because I wanted that miracle, I wanted to see her grow to be an adult, to look back at her life and show the world.."hey I beat u cancer~! n look at where I am now~!" I wanted her to experience life.... outside of this place..... but she never got a chance...

And then there was me.... a girl who has all the time in the world to do almost anything she wants to and yet she still complains.... How Ungrateful is she~!....

DEATH

My first encounter with death was when my auntie past away due to cancer, i was in form one... I never understood why she died, but all I knew was that she is gone, and there was no one who would hug me the way she use to.... seeing her on the hospital bed, not being able to talk, to move, seeing her tears stream down because of the pain and everyday seeing her loose weight till a point where i could see her cheekbones so clearly even when she didnt smile and she use to have the most warmest smile ever...i just didnt recognize her anymore.... it just wasnt her.... and when she left this world, I remembered crying to sleep at night because I finally understood the pain of "losing" someone u hold so dear to ure heart.....

It wasnt easy to let her go, but I did, and it hurt.....but I know she is in a better place now and with the Grace of God at the gates of heaven I will soon meet her and those who has left this earth before me.....

I know its not easy to deal with death, especially when they made ure life seem significant.....
and im not good at dealing with lost.... and I would grieve, but I would also choose to fight for better me because of them....

And I have friends who had and still going through many obstacles in their life wherby its their family members who are at the brink of death.... and I pray for their strength because when I look at them, I see how strong they are.... I know deep down, I can do this.... I can make my life significant to others just like what they have done for me...

And where family is concerened, Each and every one of them are so precious to my existence that I dont think I could bear going through this world without them.... they are the reason why I am here still standing tall even with all the turmoils of life over clouding me.... they are the reason for my happiness and my strength, and each night i pray to God for their safety and health...

At the end of it all... I am blessed to have many beautiful people in my life and it is because of them I treasure what I have even if its for short while.... and there will be monstrous people now and then who holds u down from being the best at what u can be but they u have to realise that its not about what they say to u, but its bout how u react towards them....

I guess when u are given a chance to live... live your life to the upmost of your ability, take that road that helps u heal when ure in grieve, be brave to do the things u want to do, have faith that God is always there for u and that behind all dark clouds there is a silver lining.....

Life and death is a process that all of us will be goin through...I cant tell u that everything is going to be okay because it is not me who decides....
but what I can tell u is that... We were put on this earth for a reason, find your purpose in life, make ure life significant to those who matters and when its time to leave....

u know u have left a beautiful mark on those who mattered...

A simple mirror can say so much

Saturday, November 7, 2009
I was looking in the mirror just now and I just keep asking myself,... Who is that girl that stares at me everyday of my life? sometimes I dont even know her anymore... I remembered a time when I use to be so confident with myself, so eager to do things, I had so much drive that nothing could stand in my way....
I look at myself n wonder, was it me that created such a mess that has caused me to turn this way?
I look at the physical side of me... my hair, my features... by right I should thank God for giving me everything in such a complete form, but sometimes I ask myself, what is it that is not enough...
I dont feel pretty, neither am I beautiful...
I know that for sure because of the way people say things about me...
But I just dont get it, why they are allowed to say things like that n get away with it...
I dont understand how they can sleep at night peacefully without a sense in the world that they have just hurt someone's feeling....
I dont want to judge them, but I just feel like its not right for u to say things or comment on other peoples feature regardless how u look like...

u might be the most beautiful among many but when u say all those nasty words.... u dont look beautiful anymore... infact uve become ugly...

yeah sometimes my hair might be messy and out of place,
my skin tone is not fair enought compared to snow right...
i have few pimples breaking out now n then...
i have a gap between my front tooth.... n I just got to know from someone that i have an asymmetrical feature....
and to top it off, my friend (i use to call her my friend) said that im so unlike my sister n that im not as beautiful or as hot as my sister...
and that was a friend... I wonder what the general public might think bout me
Ive had people walk up to me and told me u are skinnny like a "landasan kapal terbang"
Ive had people telling me that I dont look good because of my jaw...
the things people say huh'.....

Is my value and self worth based on what I look like...?
Im not a super model, I dont have the looks or the height...
I might not look like a half arab and a half malay... I dont have their features...
My mum thinks that beauty is not everything... but mummy, u never told me how hard it hurts when they say those things bout me.....

I know I shoudnt listen to them, becuase this face n body is what God has given me, and Im eternally grateful,
but just to put a word out to the world even when half of them will not be listening...
No matter how terrible u think the person looks like, u have no right to judge her based on her looks, if u still do, than ask ureself one thing....

"Who am I to say about a person's physicality when it was God who created such beauty?"