my not so great experience which i was too excited to begin with

I just got back from a one day intership at a private clinic in Kota Bahru and boy do i have a story to tell....

one hour before arrival

I was sitting drinking coffee and checking my to do list plus doing a few breathing excercises...( my own morning ritual just to get me into the vibe of a new day) I couldnt help wonder what i might actually learn from the whole private GP scene... I kinda prayed the night before, hoping that i might learn something at least if im lucky, i get to do a minor procedure... while i was stupidly excited to go, I "googled earth" the location of the clinic... (my dad's GPS would have been a great help)
so, i drove down to the clinic, recalling the names of each road... Boy, Kelantan has weird road names..... till I found a place called "paya bemban" i cant disclose the clinic's name but what i can say, I wasnt satisfied with what im suppose to fullfill there..

Upon arrival

well the front desk was giving me the "owh great~! we have patients look, or Owh great~! ppl are starting to come look"... owh great~! the first thing im suppose to look at was her not so happy half hearted smile... like HELLO LADY, all u bloody do is sit down at the counter and take patients IC number~! what is bloody hard bout that... at least SMILE~! well thank God she spoke better than her facial reaction... and thank God i was stil in the "i cant wait to learn~!" mood...

so basically patients were quieing up to see the doctor who arrived one hour after the clinic opened.... talk bout late...

anyway we entered and introuduced ourselves...

In the GP's room

the first thing she said to us (the locum doc incharge) was... " im just doing my locum here, maybe u all should come when the real doctor who is incharge is here"...."us(me and farha while looking at each other)...puzzled?".... so i just blantly said to the doctor, this is our final week in family medicine so basically we have to be here according to the time table that was provided....

so thats one thing settled.....

to tell u the truth.... between a private GP and the district clinic that ive attended.... i would give a full 10 fingers high five in the sky to the district clinic

8 things u should know when going to a private GP

1. QUALIFICATION OF THE DOCTOR URE SEEING ( dont just see any tom, dick an harry doctor, some of them honestly, are just in there for the money, they care whether ure truly sick or not, yes they might be nicer in terms of the way they dress and greet patients but their overall nature is not something that makes me look up to docotors)

2. THE WAY THEY SMILE
u can learn many things from the way a person smiles...
a person who smiles generously is someone who wants u to really heal, someonw who thinks bout ure health and put u first than him/herself... and yes most doctors nowdays forgets to smile... and for a GP, smile is everything.... so look for a doctor with a good honest smile....

3. THE MEDICATION
i asked the doctor, what kind of medication does the private clinic practise, and definitely its way different, some of them prescribe unecessary medication to patients, and some even miss acute abdominal symptoms by prescribing antibiotics... WHAT? like seriously... bloody hell where the HECK did u graduated from....~! everyone know teen, complaining of right iliac abdominal pain and most importantly it came SUDDENLY.....u got think of appendicitis~! what do they do... they prescribed antibiotics~!

4.ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION FROM ANOTHER CLINIC OR BEST GO TO THE HOSPITAL STRAIGHT
u should always consult for second opinion, doctors are humans, we try to reduce the error rate in diagnostic medicine, but we do make few faults here and there.... u as a patient shoul always know that u have every right to ask for another opnion from another doctor.... and doctors u hv no right to force anything on a patient, always give them options n for each option give them the pros and cons so they can weigh for themselves the best possible option to choose....
but i dont see that happening in private...

5. MAKE SURE THE FRONT DESK HAS A PLEASANT ATTITUDE.... IF NO, THAN COMPLAINT
come on u are the first face the patient's sees... ure like the face of the clinic before they go n see the doctor... at least be polite n greet the patient... plus ure private... u dont get 100 patients, n if u do, u bloody hell get paid more than a clerk just by sitting there and taking their ic....
a simple smile... isnt so hard...

6. FEEDBACK FROM OTHER PATIENTS
i know this is bit difficult to do, but generally feedbacks are important especially if ure attending a private clinic.... get to know a little bit bout the role of doctors in private clinic... understand what u want and what u need from the doctor,
sometimes a patient just wants to talk, or they just want to rest after one full blown week of work.... so basically tell ure doctors the truth, we wont judge, we are not allowed to.. :-)

7.ANTENATAL SERVICES
to tell u honestly, i never knew private clinics offered antenatal services... bt they do, if u are pregnant and would love 1st class treatment that is not of the hospital, than private clinic would be a good option, HOWEVER.... be cautious, like for instance

private GP vs local clinic

antenatally each pregnant mother will be given a red book during their first visit
so in district each pregnant mother is given warning signs to look out for high blood pressure in pregnancy
and in private they just check ure blood pressure without even asking for any of that tell tale signs.... CAN U IMAGINE THAT?~!!!!

ure paying money for practically nothing....

8.IMMUNIZATION SERVICES
the private clinic i went to cant even remember the last time they jabbed that poor child, i mean u dont see that many patients compared to district hospital and yet u cant keep tract of the last hep B given to that baby.... WHAT THE HECK MAN~! and this patient's parents were driving a jaguar... i mean they must have been paying ALOT for the care of their child, if i was them i would have been dissapointed

WHAETEVER U DECIDE, BARE IN MIND THAT ITS URE HEALTH ON THE LINE, AND ALWAYS KNOW THAT U HAVE OPTIONS, U ALWAYS HAVE OPTIONS....

PRIVATE VS LOCAL..... LOCAL, THE ATTITUDE OF SOME DOCTORS SUX BUT SOMETIMES U GET A FULL WORKOUT
PRIVATE, ATTITUDE FIRST CLASS MOST, BUT NOT ALWAYS THE BEST....

so, everything in life, has its pros n cons....

at the end of the day, the doctor just keeps on asking us to leave, n ure next step is leave, because why would u want to spend time at a place where ure not wanted....

a moment of silence

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed... just with a blink of an eye....
u know how sometimes u just sit and ponder, what if things were done differently, would it have changed the out come..? would it have stopped me from being where i am today, suffering silently but having to fake that smile effortlessly as if everything is fine....

I forgot how to live,
I forgot how to love,
I forgot how to breath...and at times I live to just want to stop breathing....

HOw can u tell ppl what happened when they have no idea what ure goin through,
HOw can u tell ppl what happene when they themselves have so much to deal with...

so what options do u have?

sometimes i sit and think of things that i know happened for a reason N SOMEHOW HAD NO CONTROL OVER....

which makes it unhealthy because u cant change what has been pre-ordainte for u, God has wrote it in ure book that u will have to face what He has decree for u... n that everything happens for a reason, u just have to accept it an keep on believing in Him....

Believe me, I want to do that so much, I want to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, n that im going to be okay.... but sometimes I feel like it isnt, n that im too messed up inside to be fine as a whole....

one incident after another.... one heartache after another.... one broken promise after the other... one step behind after the other....

I want to stop walking backwards n start walking forward but my heart aches in pain so much that it kills me every step i make to the front.... and just when i get to the next pavement infront, its like an invisible string pulls me back to the same point i was in a few weeks ago....

i looked at my old pictures, i was smiling, i was happy, nothing could have pulled me down, nothing... i had the whole world in the palm of my hands, n i sat down on my study table thinking...."when was the last time i was truly happy?" n the answer to that questions was a stone broken by days.... I coudnt remember at all... i couldnt remember the last time i was truly happy... but i knew that i was once a happy person.... someone who could do anything she wanted.... n I dont even remember "her" anymore.... because the someone i know now is no where close to being "her"

I made a mistake... I helped the wrong person n now I have to live with that for the rest of my life

I nearly died when that bus toppled over,
I wasted my capabilities when I lost my heart to someone who dosent even know how much he hurts me until now,
I caved in when the motorcyclist body sprawled underneath my car,
I did everything wrong and I cant keep doin anything right...

i ask myself this.....

Was i worth it? was i worth it to be created? i cause so much suffering to others and thats the reason why i am suffering now...

I cant bare hurting another soul... I just cant....

and for the loved ones lost, i miss u dearly, and i know ure in a better place, an that ure with God, my prayers will always be with u.... and there is not one day that i dont think about u and the words u told me....and i hope u are proud of me and the women that ive become, because i cant come to terms of who n what i am now.... but i really hope ure proud....

i need to heal n i dont know how.... thats all im asking for.... this is so that i can help heal others with God's help......

A drop of rain can go a long way....

Rain... Many rainy days leads to, well..... Flooding....

Flooding.... accumulated overflowing river drains the roads and surfaces of the houses here in the east coast....

Call me "Jakun"- (its a malay verb for stupidly amazed at something people find normal), but seeing people walking in and out of the "who knows what has been there" water freaks me out a little bit, but in a good way.... I find it fascinating that even when their houses are filled with the over flowing river, they are calm and interestingly able to find a positive outlook through it all.... by swimming around their man made swimming pool and using old tires as floats...

I guess what Im trying to stress out is actually being positive and optimistic in everday life even when you hit rock bottom....

so, a valuable lesson learnt today..... who said being caught in the rain is bad... infact its a gift from God to help us wash away our anguish on this earth.....