Money does not make a man happy...

At certain days in my life, I feel lost and lonely
And certain days in life, I feel full and surprisingly happy.... it has been 1 month and 14 days since the last time i went home, and as the pressure for pro gets even more nearer, i get so homesick most days than ive ever felt before...

I would sit here and think bout the things that ive been through in life, and the things that ive done that i havent been proud of
but no matter how bad, or how disappointing ive treated myself, my dear folks... they have always been there by my side to pull me out of that depressional state i had to go through and accepted me as i am.... good or bad

people picture me as a girl who lives a luxurious lifestyle, but they paint a very wrong portrait of me but i dont blame them....

I wouldnt say Im poor, and ive always thanked God for giving me the adequacy of money and stuff that most people coudnt afford, but nevertheless, its not me.... Money and Power, its not what intrigues me in this life....maybe to some but not to me...

I dont come from that kind of family.... I dont live in a bungalow, I dont have chauffeurs to drive me where i want to go, I dont have credit cards, and i definitely do not own any empire under my name....

But the thing is, Ive seen people who lives with overflowing money in their hands, but they never looked happy, they never looked content, and they always have that unspoken sadness whenever they talk bout life....

WHY? why would u be sad, when u can have anything u want just by the swipe of that golden card....

U see, both my parents are from different worlds....

My dad was a boy from the "kampung" and my mum was the girl from the city....

My dad was the 2nd child and my mum was the youngest out of 9 siblings

My mum was well to do compared to my dad when he was younger... but even with that vast difference of lifestyle, God made them as life partners... and thats where I come in....

In life, my parents tried their level best to give me what I wanted and till today they have never said NO or objected, and I know how sad it is for them to one day let me go....

But the one thing that no money can buy that they have given me, is a chance to make my own mistakes, a chance to learn from it, and to always have faith in God

My dad told me that I could do or be anything that I wanted to if i put my heart to it and if i prayed hard enough for it....

and my dad is a strong example of how sheer determination can help a man succeed in life....

My dad had to work when he was still a little boy to help with the household income,
He had to read and study while using the oil lamp because my grandmothers house had no electricity,
My dad had to cycle more than 3km to school because there were no school buses,
but he made it through all that and now he is a leading professor and I look up to him very much, even if he has his own flaws.... I am my father's daughter.....
And I see alot of me in him....

My dad has told me that I need to have a good education so that I can become someone who can help the community.....and help be the change in this world

Both my parents are very much in-tune with humanitarian work and they have always told me that to give is better than to receive.... and that is one more thing money can never buy....

I guess thats the main reason why I took medicine...
To give a helping hand to someone who is willing to reach out....

Thats always been my aim.....

So there are many things in life, that I woundnt trade for money,

A good education, A chance to experience life, A chance to be someone with good attributes, A chance to love, A chance to be with my family, A chance to be with my closes friends, A chance to kneel down n prostrate myself to God, A chance to be a good person,

n A chance to be the voice of those who are in need....

having that chance and that experience pays more than any bank account or any cheaque

So when I dont have enough money to buy what I want, Ill thing of the things i have and those who are more unfortunate than me..... And we should all practice this and quietly say "Alhamdulillah" and u will suddenly feel a gush of understanding and a sense of calm and an understanding that in life, we might not always get what we want, but we always will get what we need, because the ones that we want might not always be what we need....

and that dont ever make MONEY the reason u live in life... as it will all fade away....

God knows better for His servants....

This post is dedicated to u shaleen, my dearest friend

There is nothing much I can do,
There is barely nothing much I can say,
And nothing that I do or say will change the fact that u have lost someone very dear to ure heart,
Death is inevitable,
something all of us will face within due time,
It is the last thing we want to think about,
Its the last thing we want to wish for... especially for our loved ones....

I cant imagine losing u as a friend, so there is no doubt about how i feel bout losing my family to this dirt grey earth...

There are a few of us on this earth that can bury their loved ones with such strength and poise...
and u dear, ure one of them....
God has given u so much strength that I wish I could hold, even for an ounce....

Honestly dear, I deal with lost and death very badly.... and to top it off I'll be dealing with more of this when i start working... and I ask God everyday..."If I could have even a little of ure strength to help me through this life"

Ill always wish u well, I wish u happiness in this life and the next, I wish u a beautiful family of ure own with a guy that makes u happy and I always want good things for u....

I might not feel the heaviness of ure heart right now, but I weep for u and ure lost....as if he was my own....

And uve always told me... "aku kan daddy's girl"
And Ive always known a daddy's girl is always the tough one in the family....

I wish i could be there with u, I wish I could be there more earlier, but God has made His plans in such a way....

Im sitting infront of my desk, on it is a the frame with our picture in it, the one that u gave to me before u left.... 4 years was alot of drama... but good drama's, and i miss every second of it :-)

So when i have a sucky day, or when the doctors tell me Im not good enough... instead of breaking down, I think bout people that inspires me to be where I am today, and U might not know this but u are one of those people....
One of those people, who are able to smile even when u know things will never be the same again... to walk an extra step even when ure heart carries a heavy burden....

so dear,

do not fret,
do not fear,
dont be sad...

God listens to our prayers.... and for each of your prayers, 10 more people are praying for u and with God's grace I am one of those 10....

Ure dearest friend,
Dama.

my not so great experience which i was too excited to begin with

I just got back from a one day intership at a private clinic in Kota Bahru and boy do i have a story to tell....

one hour before arrival

I was sitting drinking coffee and checking my to do list plus doing a few breathing excercises...( my own morning ritual just to get me into the vibe of a new day) I couldnt help wonder what i might actually learn from the whole private GP scene... I kinda prayed the night before, hoping that i might learn something at least if im lucky, i get to do a minor procedure... while i was stupidly excited to go, I "googled earth" the location of the clinic... (my dad's GPS would have been a great help)
so, i drove down to the clinic, recalling the names of each road... Boy, Kelantan has weird road names..... till I found a place called "paya bemban" i cant disclose the clinic's name but what i can say, I wasnt satisfied with what im suppose to fullfill there..

Upon arrival

well the front desk was giving me the "owh great~! we have patients look, or Owh great~! ppl are starting to come look"... owh great~! the first thing im suppose to look at was her not so happy half hearted smile... like HELLO LADY, all u bloody do is sit down at the counter and take patients IC number~! what is bloody hard bout that... at least SMILE~! well thank God she spoke better than her facial reaction... and thank God i was stil in the "i cant wait to learn~!" mood...

so basically patients were quieing up to see the doctor who arrived one hour after the clinic opened.... talk bout late...

anyway we entered and introuduced ourselves...

In the GP's room

the first thing she said to us (the locum doc incharge) was... " im just doing my locum here, maybe u all should come when the real doctor who is incharge is here"...."us(me and farha while looking at each other)...puzzled?".... so i just blantly said to the doctor, this is our final week in family medicine so basically we have to be here according to the time table that was provided....

so thats one thing settled.....

to tell u the truth.... between a private GP and the district clinic that ive attended.... i would give a full 10 fingers high five in the sky to the district clinic

8 things u should know when going to a private GP

1. QUALIFICATION OF THE DOCTOR URE SEEING ( dont just see any tom, dick an harry doctor, some of them honestly, are just in there for the money, they care whether ure truly sick or not, yes they might be nicer in terms of the way they dress and greet patients but their overall nature is not something that makes me look up to docotors)

2. THE WAY THEY SMILE
u can learn many things from the way a person smiles...
a person who smiles generously is someone who wants u to really heal, someonw who thinks bout ure health and put u first than him/herself... and yes most doctors nowdays forgets to smile... and for a GP, smile is everything.... so look for a doctor with a good honest smile....

3. THE MEDICATION
i asked the doctor, what kind of medication does the private clinic practise, and definitely its way different, some of them prescribe unecessary medication to patients, and some even miss acute abdominal symptoms by prescribing antibiotics... WHAT? like seriously... bloody hell where the HECK did u graduated from....~! everyone know teen, complaining of right iliac abdominal pain and most importantly it came SUDDENLY.....u got think of appendicitis~! what do they do... they prescribed antibiotics~!

4.ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION FROM ANOTHER CLINIC OR BEST GO TO THE HOSPITAL STRAIGHT
u should always consult for second opinion, doctors are humans, we try to reduce the error rate in diagnostic medicine, but we do make few faults here and there.... u as a patient shoul always know that u have every right to ask for another opnion from another doctor.... and doctors u hv no right to force anything on a patient, always give them options n for each option give them the pros and cons so they can weigh for themselves the best possible option to choose....
but i dont see that happening in private...

5. MAKE SURE THE FRONT DESK HAS A PLEASANT ATTITUDE.... IF NO, THAN COMPLAINT
come on u are the first face the patient's sees... ure like the face of the clinic before they go n see the doctor... at least be polite n greet the patient... plus ure private... u dont get 100 patients, n if u do, u bloody hell get paid more than a clerk just by sitting there and taking their ic....
a simple smile... isnt so hard...

6. FEEDBACK FROM OTHER PATIENTS
i know this is bit difficult to do, but generally feedbacks are important especially if ure attending a private clinic.... get to know a little bit bout the role of doctors in private clinic... understand what u want and what u need from the doctor,
sometimes a patient just wants to talk, or they just want to rest after one full blown week of work.... so basically tell ure doctors the truth, we wont judge, we are not allowed to.. :-)

7.ANTENATAL SERVICES
to tell u honestly, i never knew private clinics offered antenatal services... bt they do, if u are pregnant and would love 1st class treatment that is not of the hospital, than private clinic would be a good option, HOWEVER.... be cautious, like for instance

private GP vs local clinic

antenatally each pregnant mother will be given a red book during their first visit
so in district each pregnant mother is given warning signs to look out for high blood pressure in pregnancy
and in private they just check ure blood pressure without even asking for any of that tell tale signs.... CAN U IMAGINE THAT?~!!!!

ure paying money for practically nothing....

8.IMMUNIZATION SERVICES
the private clinic i went to cant even remember the last time they jabbed that poor child, i mean u dont see that many patients compared to district hospital and yet u cant keep tract of the last hep B given to that baby.... WHAT THE HECK MAN~! and this patient's parents were driving a jaguar... i mean they must have been paying ALOT for the care of their child, if i was them i would have been dissapointed

WHAETEVER U DECIDE, BARE IN MIND THAT ITS URE HEALTH ON THE LINE, AND ALWAYS KNOW THAT U HAVE OPTIONS, U ALWAYS HAVE OPTIONS....

PRIVATE VS LOCAL..... LOCAL, THE ATTITUDE OF SOME DOCTORS SUX BUT SOMETIMES U GET A FULL WORKOUT
PRIVATE, ATTITUDE FIRST CLASS MOST, BUT NOT ALWAYS THE BEST....

so, everything in life, has its pros n cons....

at the end of the day, the doctor just keeps on asking us to leave, n ure next step is leave, because why would u want to spend time at a place where ure not wanted....

a moment of silence

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed... just with a blink of an eye....
u know how sometimes u just sit and ponder, what if things were done differently, would it have changed the out come..? would it have stopped me from being where i am today, suffering silently but having to fake that smile effortlessly as if everything is fine....

I forgot how to live,
I forgot how to love,
I forgot how to breath...and at times I live to just want to stop breathing....

HOw can u tell ppl what happened when they have no idea what ure goin through,
HOw can u tell ppl what happene when they themselves have so much to deal with...

so what options do u have?

sometimes i sit and think of things that i know happened for a reason N SOMEHOW HAD NO CONTROL OVER....

which makes it unhealthy because u cant change what has been pre-ordainte for u, God has wrote it in ure book that u will have to face what He has decree for u... n that everything happens for a reason, u just have to accept it an keep on believing in Him....

Believe me, I want to do that so much, I want to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, n that im going to be okay.... but sometimes I feel like it isnt, n that im too messed up inside to be fine as a whole....

one incident after another.... one heartache after another.... one broken promise after the other... one step behind after the other....

I want to stop walking backwards n start walking forward but my heart aches in pain so much that it kills me every step i make to the front.... and just when i get to the next pavement infront, its like an invisible string pulls me back to the same point i was in a few weeks ago....

i looked at my old pictures, i was smiling, i was happy, nothing could have pulled me down, nothing... i had the whole world in the palm of my hands, n i sat down on my study table thinking...."when was the last time i was truly happy?" n the answer to that questions was a stone broken by days.... I coudnt remember at all... i couldnt remember the last time i was truly happy... but i knew that i was once a happy person.... someone who could do anything she wanted.... n I dont even remember "her" anymore.... because the someone i know now is no where close to being "her"

I made a mistake... I helped the wrong person n now I have to live with that for the rest of my life

I nearly died when that bus toppled over,
I wasted my capabilities when I lost my heart to someone who dosent even know how much he hurts me until now,
I caved in when the motorcyclist body sprawled underneath my car,
I did everything wrong and I cant keep doin anything right...

i ask myself this.....

Was i worth it? was i worth it to be created? i cause so much suffering to others and thats the reason why i am suffering now...

I cant bare hurting another soul... I just cant....

and for the loved ones lost, i miss u dearly, and i know ure in a better place, an that ure with God, my prayers will always be with u.... and there is not one day that i dont think about u and the words u told me....and i hope u are proud of me and the women that ive become, because i cant come to terms of who n what i am now.... but i really hope ure proud....

i need to heal n i dont know how.... thats all im asking for.... this is so that i can help heal others with God's help......

A drop of rain can go a long way....

Rain... Many rainy days leads to, well..... Flooding....

Flooding.... accumulated overflowing river drains the roads and surfaces of the houses here in the east coast....

Call me "Jakun"- (its a malay verb for stupidly amazed at something people find normal), but seeing people walking in and out of the "who knows what has been there" water freaks me out a little bit, but in a good way.... I find it fascinating that even when their houses are filled with the over flowing river, they are calm and interestingly able to find a positive outlook through it all.... by swimming around their man made swimming pool and using old tires as floats...

I guess what Im trying to stress out is actually being positive and optimistic in everday life even when you hit rock bottom....

so, a valuable lesson learnt today..... who said being caught in the rain is bad... infact its a gift from God to help us wash away our anguish on this earth.....

life n death

Its 3.50am and here I am sitting infront of my study table thinking about life and death....

Life

We go through a rigorous routine everyday to sustain what we call "LIFE", waking up at 6am (I try too but fail miserably sometimes), get ready for another day in the hospital and trying to survive medical school in one piece and by 5pm (if there is no ONcall) my day continues itself on the way to either the bed to take a long nap or the aerobics class to get rid of the extra fat.... and by the time ure ready to return to slumber land u ask ureself...."what have I done today that has made my life significant to others?".... and most of the time my answer would be NOTHING....and same goes for today.... NOTHING....

before I talk in general, there are a few things i would like to share...

Life for me has never been a long straight road, it has always been winding and curvy with many junctions and traffic lights.... but I bet Im not alone on this....
The one thing I hate about myself is... after long late night prayers to God so that ill be accepted to a good medical school, here I am... again complaining how I hate to be here, when "HERE" is what I wanted to do since I could barely walk.... And somehow, I just got sick of complaining of the many flaws of medical school because I realised today....

Medical school is not designed to cater for ure needs but it trains to u to be tought and confident with ure decisions knwing that "u have given a chance to someone to decide on her fate in this life"... Even though I feel like there are many here who lacks the human side of life~ for instance "compassion" and "sincerity" but I know in my heart that God put me here so that I can share with those who are in need of such things....

The human heart is so strong... it beats everyday, every hour, every minute.... and it never stops beating until God takes it away.... and there has been many instances in my life where Ive met many beautiful people along this winding road that showed me... "hey, Dama~! this is the reason why your doing this, this is ure road, this is ure life...ure meant to do this... God knows best~!"

I was watching this movie after class... "my Sister's keeper" played by cameron Diaz, she plays the mother of a child who is fighting cancer.... its a beautiful movie and I cried all the way....

Why I cried...? the movie reminded me of thie little girl I met during my first day in clinical posting... Her name was Nazihah... she was cute and very much adorable but she was sick.... I spent most of my clinical years with her and her mum and I Had so much hope that she would get better, I hoped and prayed for her... Even though I coudnt treat her.... but just being with her made my day a whole lot better.... and today... she is no longer here.... she is with God now and may she rest in peace....

the story, the movie reminded me of her and how her mother fought so hard for her to keep her alive... and when she relapsed for the very last time, I was there to see how painful it was for her mum to realised that she is going to lose her daughter in this battle.....and I just didnt know what to do... how to help.... all I could do was to tell her to keep on praying for that "miracle"... because I wanted that miracle, I wanted to see her grow to be an adult, to look back at her life and show the world.."hey I beat u cancer~! n look at where I am now~!" I wanted her to experience life.... outside of this place..... but she never got a chance...

And then there was me.... a girl who has all the time in the world to do almost anything she wants to and yet she still complains.... How Ungrateful is she~!....

DEATH

My first encounter with death was when my auntie past away due to cancer, i was in form one... I never understood why she died, but all I knew was that she is gone, and there was no one who would hug me the way she use to.... seeing her on the hospital bed, not being able to talk, to move, seeing her tears stream down because of the pain and everyday seeing her loose weight till a point where i could see her cheekbones so clearly even when she didnt smile and she use to have the most warmest smile ever...i just didnt recognize her anymore.... it just wasnt her.... and when she left this world, I remembered crying to sleep at night because I finally understood the pain of "losing" someone u hold so dear to ure heart.....

It wasnt easy to let her go, but I did, and it hurt.....but I know she is in a better place now and with the Grace of God at the gates of heaven I will soon meet her and those who has left this earth before me.....

I know its not easy to deal with death, especially when they made ure life seem significant.....
and im not good at dealing with lost.... and I would grieve, but I would also choose to fight for better me because of them....

And I have friends who had and still going through many obstacles in their life wherby its their family members who are at the brink of death.... and I pray for their strength because when I look at them, I see how strong they are.... I know deep down, I can do this.... I can make my life significant to others just like what they have done for me...

And where family is concerened, Each and every one of them are so precious to my existence that I dont think I could bear going through this world without them.... they are the reason why I am here still standing tall even with all the turmoils of life over clouding me.... they are the reason for my happiness and my strength, and each night i pray to God for their safety and health...

At the end of it all... I am blessed to have many beautiful people in my life and it is because of them I treasure what I have even if its for short while.... and there will be monstrous people now and then who holds u down from being the best at what u can be but they u have to realise that its not about what they say to u, but its bout how u react towards them....

I guess when u are given a chance to live... live your life to the upmost of your ability, take that road that helps u heal when ure in grieve, be brave to do the things u want to do, have faith that God is always there for u and that behind all dark clouds there is a silver lining.....

Life and death is a process that all of us will be goin through...I cant tell u that everything is going to be okay because it is not me who decides....
but what I can tell u is that... We were put on this earth for a reason, find your purpose in life, make ure life significant to those who matters and when its time to leave....

u know u have left a beautiful mark on those who mattered...

A simple mirror can say so much

I was looking in the mirror just now and I just keep asking myself,... Who is that girl that stares at me everyday of my life? sometimes I dont even know her anymore... I remembered a time when I use to be so confident with myself, so eager to do things, I had so much drive that nothing could stand in my way....
I look at myself n wonder, was it me that created such a mess that has caused me to turn this way?
I look at the physical side of me... my hair, my features... by right I should thank God for giving me everything in such a complete form, but sometimes I ask myself, what is it that is not enough...
I dont feel pretty, neither am I beautiful...
I know that for sure because of the way people say things about me...
But I just dont get it, why they are allowed to say things like that n get away with it...
I dont understand how they can sleep at night peacefully without a sense in the world that they have just hurt someone's feeling....
I dont want to judge them, but I just feel like its not right for u to say things or comment on other peoples feature regardless how u look like...

u might be the most beautiful among many but when u say all those nasty words.... u dont look beautiful anymore... infact uve become ugly...

yeah sometimes my hair might be messy and out of place,
my skin tone is not fair enought compared to snow right...
i have few pimples breaking out now n then...
i have a gap between my front tooth.... n I just got to know from someone that i have an asymmetrical feature....
and to top it off, my friend (i use to call her my friend) said that im so unlike my sister n that im not as beautiful or as hot as my sister...
and that was a friend... I wonder what the general public might think bout me
Ive had people walk up to me and told me u are skinnny like a "landasan kapal terbang"
Ive had people telling me that I dont look good because of my jaw...
the things people say huh'.....

Is my value and self worth based on what I look like...?
Im not a super model, I dont have the looks or the height...
I might not look like a half arab and a half malay... I dont have their features...
My mum thinks that beauty is not everything... but mummy, u never told me how hard it hurts when they say those things bout me.....

I know I shoudnt listen to them, becuase this face n body is what God has given me, and Im eternally grateful,
but just to put a word out to the world even when half of them will not be listening...
No matter how terrible u think the person looks like, u have no right to judge her based on her looks, if u still do, than ask ureself one thing....

"Who am I to say about a person's physicality when it was God who created such beauty?"