someone better

Its 3am, n a part of me feels like the moon just fell from the sky, its a feeling of loneliness, anger and jealousy which i dont even know where all these crazy ideas are coming from,

I feel hurt... true
I feel sad.....true
but most of all I feel lonely, and utter loneliness that I cant express to anyone, not even those who im closed with....

I believe that I will always have God, He will always love me even with all my flaws,
n that Even when im writting this post, He is looking down upon me healing my soul from within...
I never believe that someone is beautiful just because of the physicality,
Ive seen gorgeous human beings who have the most darkest hearts,
Ive seen those who mere man would call "normal" but when i see them, they look insanely beautiful with the most humility you can ever find in a person alone....

I might be feeling sad and lonely because Ive been obssessed with looks for the past 6 months, Like everwhere I go... I must look good, And when I do look good I dont feel that way...
call it having lack self confidance, but thats me... at this moment, my self confidance is not a mountain range that I can walk on this earth feeling as if I ruled the world...
Sometimes I wish for that confidance to say what I want to say,
I wish that I have the strength to say "NO"
I wish I had the strength to walk a away from a broken heart....

I dreamt of him again...
I just dont know why, Whenever I think about him, it still hurts....
Apart of me... feels so betrayed, eventhough I miss him deeply,
But I blame him for letting me love him so much to an extend that Im hurting inside,
I got to know that he is happy now... with many girls...
many girls who would do anything for him....
I wanna wish him well.... I really do...
But heck "SCREW U" cause I dont... I dont wish u well.... I hate u for the pain uve caused me...
U made me feel so low,
I lost myself because of u....
and I dont wanna be with anyone because there is still apart of u in me....
n I couldnt do that to someone else....
Im not like u....
I never saw u as someone beutiful but I learnt about respect n kindness, n the ways to be faithful to u... because I saw something good in u....
but u made it clear that u wanted more...
n I wasnt enough....


Im sitting alone in my room, thinking of a chance to create something good,
to be someone better than I used to be,
to seek forgiveness for the bad things that ive done in the past,
I hope that even when no human being can see past me,
to see past my flaws,
to see past this human who obviously dont look like a supermodel,
that even when they dont feel like im beautiful,
God believes that I am.... n He matters most to me...
Becuase If He believes in me, Than I know I can be strong, I can rise up again, I can show myself that Im worth it, and theres a hope in me that I can be someone, someone better....
Someone who can help others, to be better at what they are in life...
Insya-Allah....

(me n pa'a on a wednesday night..haha bored out of our wits~!)


(my last choice)