a moment of silence

In a blink of an eye, my whole life changed... just with a blink of an eye....
u know how sometimes u just sit and ponder, what if things were done differently, would it have changed the out come..? would it have stopped me from being where i am today, suffering silently but having to fake that smile effortlessly as if everything is fine....

I forgot how to live,
I forgot how to love,
I forgot how to breath...and at times I live to just want to stop breathing....

HOw can u tell ppl what happened when they have no idea what ure goin through,
HOw can u tell ppl what happene when they themselves have so much to deal with...

so what options do u have?

sometimes i sit and think of things that i know happened for a reason N SOMEHOW HAD NO CONTROL OVER....

which makes it unhealthy because u cant change what has been pre-ordainte for u, God has wrote it in ure book that u will have to face what He has decree for u... n that everything happens for a reason, u just have to accept it an keep on believing in Him....

Believe me, I want to do that so much, I want to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, n that im going to be okay.... but sometimes I feel like it isnt, n that im too messed up inside to be fine as a whole....

one incident after another.... one heartache after another.... one broken promise after the other... one step behind after the other....

I want to stop walking backwards n start walking forward but my heart aches in pain so much that it kills me every step i make to the front.... and just when i get to the next pavement infront, its like an invisible string pulls me back to the same point i was in a few weeks ago....

i looked at my old pictures, i was smiling, i was happy, nothing could have pulled me down, nothing... i had the whole world in the palm of my hands, n i sat down on my study table thinking...."when was the last time i was truly happy?" n the answer to that questions was a stone broken by days.... I coudnt remember at all... i couldnt remember the last time i was truly happy... but i knew that i was once a happy person.... someone who could do anything she wanted.... n I dont even remember "her" anymore.... because the someone i know now is no where close to being "her"

I made a mistake... I helped the wrong person n now I have to live with that for the rest of my life

I nearly died when that bus toppled over,
I wasted my capabilities when I lost my heart to someone who dosent even know how much he hurts me until now,
I caved in when the motorcyclist body sprawled underneath my car,
I did everything wrong and I cant keep doin anything right...

i ask myself this.....

Was i worth it? was i worth it to be created? i cause so much suffering to others and thats the reason why i am suffering now...

I cant bare hurting another soul... I just cant....

and for the loved ones lost, i miss u dearly, and i know ure in a better place, an that ure with God, my prayers will always be with u.... and there is not one day that i dont think about u and the words u told me....and i hope u are proud of me and the women that ive become, because i cant come to terms of who n what i am now.... but i really hope ure proud....

i need to heal n i dont know how.... thats all im asking for.... this is so that i can help heal others with God's help......